8 - Moving Forward
by DTA2013
Summary: JJ was finally back home. Sometimes reliving the past can be twice as hard the second time around, it allows the old feelings and fears to become mixed in with the new untill all you have left is anger. Will JJ push Emily too far! Part of the Manipulation: Series
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**As always I do not own Criminal Minds, just the OOC...Please R&R**

JJ had somewhat closed down, she sat in silence most of the day her body was sore so she was unable to get comfortable, the nightmares woke her in hot sweats, crying, Emily held her as she would sob uncontrollably into her.

Jane and Andrew helped to soothe her, Elizabeth helped as much as she could but Jennifer won't allow it, not because she didn't like her it was about trust and right now the only person she trusted was Emily, Sarah kept close to JJ just like she had at the hospital, and Emily would often find them cuddled up together.

JJ had even pulled away from Garcia. Garcia tried to comfort her and be there for her, but JJ would brush her off using the familiar words that scream I am not really but I will tell you **'I am fine'** because it's easier. However, it hurt her deeply each time Garcia would try her hardest. Emily would tell her to give her time wishing JJ knew it was only friendship not pity her friend was offering.

She didn't want to see anyone, she couldn't help feeling dirty knowing the team had seen and knew about her past she closed her eyes slightly as the soft loving voice pulled her out of her thought "Baby tell me what I can do to help you please" JJ looked at her for a moment before she turned her head slightly "I want to feel Em" she whispered as she let the tears fall.

Emily carefully wrapped her arms around her so her body was flush against her "Tell me how and I will do it baby" Emily whispered in her ear. "Just hold me and don't let go" JJ said as the sob ripped through from her chest.

JJ wanted one thing and that was for Emily to make her hers again, to wash away the touches of their hands on her body, to make the dirty feeling go away but she couldn't ask that not yet, she would let Emily hold her and kiss her but she would flinch slightly, which broke Emily's heart, but she understood.

Emily for her part had gone back to how she was before her attack strong and guarded though she would not be with Jennifer. She had reaffirmed the strong bond with Morgan. She would not tell him everything she allowed him in again which Morgan was relieved to have the Emily he knew back.

She refused point blank to go back to work, informing Hotch that until she knew JJ was comfortable and safe she would not and if he wanted to fire her because of it he could. Which Hotch had told her to take all the time she needed but he had to get someone else on a temporary basis until they both returned to work, Emily had agreed to help with the consults though she would work from home, which he gladly agreed.

Reid had been round to their house often to keep JJ company, which Emily would smile at, as JJ's eyes would light up at him. Which even Reid was extremely grateful for, Emily and JJ knew he could not cope losing another member of his family, he was innocent and sweet and JJ had always been a mother figure to him. They would spend the evenings playing word games, card games and talking about nothing in general.

JJ refused though to speak to her mom and dad stating she wasn't ready to talk to them yet and she couldn't face them, which they all could understand, though it had hurt Sandy at first, but knowing her daughter like she did it was JJ's way of healing.

Sandy had told Emily that this is how JJ was after she was attacked the first time, and that she would come around in time and not to worry too much, though Emily could not help but to worry about her.

JJ was not able to stay in a room on her own and if Emily were gone, too long, she would panic and if she had fallen asleep. If Emily were, not there with her she would scream, which Emily had learnt the first night home, she had gone to the bathroom leaving JJ safely asleep only for JJ to wake up from the mist of a nightmare screaming for her.

Emily had finally managed to get JJ to agree to see a counsellor, which had been an intense argument to which JJ had stormed out the room, only to run back into Emily's waiting arms.

Rossi had made Emily chuckle slightly as he would turn up most nights with meals for them both, he had also become very friendly with Karen, and they had begun to spend more and more time together. Which Emily didn't know whether to be happy or concern with it due to his past relationships but for now, her main thoughts were with her wife and her children.

JJ had shocked Emily when she refused to allow Hotch in and refused to talk to him, which worried them both deeply. Emily had assured him that she would come round in time, though she was the first to admit she could not understand why she refused to speak to him.

But after a week of her being home and her bruising finally lessoning to the point Emily was able to touch her without her wincing, she looked at her as she laid across her lap "I am sorry baby" Emily looked at her puzzled "Why on earth are you saying sorry?" Emily asked totally taken back by the comment.

"For going on my own" Emily frowned slightly "Oh, sweetheart that was not your fault, you thought he was a friend someone you could trust" Emily said softly as she ran her finger through her hair. "I didn't listen to you though, I didn't listen to Hotch," JJ said firmly.

"I want you to listen to me Jennifer" Emily said as she looked lovingly in to unsure blue eyes "None of this was your fault, this was out of your control, it was out of our control, so please don't blame yourself for this my sweet girl, I love you so much but you cannot beat yourself up over it"

JJ gave her a half smile "I can't help but blame myself Emily" JJ admitted, "Jennifer, the wheels had been set in motion over 20 years ago. Trevor had so much pent up anger and everyone and I mean everyone. He blamed everyone, he used our job and your kind heartedness to take out his anger and pain, but you cannot blame yourself"

"Tommy took advantage of an extremely messed up kid and made his own hate Trevor's. He used him the same why he blamed you for his father being killed. This was not your fault either" JJ nodded slightly "I know this Em just" Emily smiled as she wrapped her arms more tightly around her body "Your mind is telling you it is your fault" JJ chuckled "I hate profilers" JJ said softly "it's not profiling it is knowing you and loving you Jennifer so much." Emily said softly

"Emily can we go to bed and" JJ blushed slightly as Emily chuckled "Jennifer Prentiss you do not need to ask, you are my wife. And if that is what you want and need I will give" JJ bit her lip slightly "or you can do whatever you want," Emily said as she leaned down capturing her lips into a soft loving kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

'**You know that to me every day is a blessing, it always has been. It is how I have dealt with many things, which have happened over the years. Though with our job I never let it kill my heart the ability to care and too love.**

**I look at what happened to Gideon in the end. He lost everything the woman he loved, though the truth is in this job we open ourselves up to it. We in our line of work can become the hunted just mine started when I was a teenager.**

**Emily has and always will be my rock. However, it is 11 months since the roles reversed there. But I look her now and she is just a beautiful and radiant as the first day I met her, but now she is 10 times stronger than she was.**

**I am truly grateful for the many things in my life. My loving, caring, romantic wife for one. Who would have thought Emily Prentiss a romantic? I know I did not, but she is. If she was a man she would be a perfect gentlemen though I would never tell her that! I love the butch look she has. But I also love the feminine side of her.**

**I am so grateful for our children. Sarah guarded and strong like her mother, but she has allowed me in to her heart. Emily compartmentalizes everything but I guess I do to a point.**

**Should I have let this break me? Is that what they think that I will not be able to cope? Emily is the only person I know who does not treat me as though I need to be put in a bubble! **

**Yes, it hurt. Yes, it has brought back things I had long since dealt with. Yes, I have nightmares! However, who wouldn't? I mean being taken by someone being whipped and beaten. It truly does leave a scar. However, I cannot allow it to consume me to take over my life. Moreover, I will not allow it to either!**

**However, in doing it am I closing myself off from the people who love me and care for me? I cannot even speak to my parents right now and yet I need my mom so badly. I am so lost right now. I am drowning in an abyss of darkness of pain and horror, she keeps me calm but all I want to do is scream hit out let my feelings be seen but I can't do it. **

**Am I that weak that I cannot allow myself just to express myself in kicking the hell out of something? On the other hand, is it because I know I just do not have it in me? Can I go back to my job, which I love so much? On the other hand, will this haunt me on every case? Will I put them all in danger if I as they say freak out? Nevertheless, I know with her at my side I will be fine.'**

* * *

"Jennifer?" Emily said as she walked back into the bedroom "Everything okay?" JJ smiled at her "Just thinking baby" Emily smiles as she sits on the bed next to her, JJ's arms snaked around her as her fingers ran over her skin.

Emily shivered slightly at the touch as she leaned more into her "You're so beautiful Emily," JJ whispered into her ear, as Emily rested her head against her shoulder gently placing a kiss on her neck. "I want you" JJ husked softly causing Emily to look at her slightly confused "You always have me baby" JJ smiled softly "That I do but right now I need you baby please" JJ said softly as her fingers snaked up her torso.

"I told you darling you can do whatever you want or whatever you need to do" Emily said with a soft smile as JJ cupped her breast gently causing Emily to moan slightly against her. JJ guided Emily onto the bed fully getting her to lay down, Emily looked into stormy blue eyes as she took hold of her wrists placing them above her head, "Leave them there Emily, please" JJ asked softly, to which Emily nodded.

If this was what JJ need, Emily was happy to give, to let her do what she wanted, though part of her worried slightly that JJ was trying to push herself, but she would ask questions later for now she would do as requested and lay there with her hands above her head looking into stormy blue eyes… JJ need something and to Emily it looked as though even she was not 100% sure what she wanted.

JJ smiled softly as she looked into loving but concern chocolate eyes, no words were spoken as JJ captured Emily's lips into a forceful kiss, which took Emily by surprise.

Though she allowed it Emily realized on some level what JJ was doing as she passively opened her mouth to allow the blonde to dominate her. JJ pulled back slightly as she began feathering kisses along her jaw line, she nibble gently on her ear lobe before soothing it with her tongue. Emily could not help the slight moan that escaped her lips.

JJ slowly made her way along her delicate neck nipping gently with her teeth before soothing it with her tongue. Emily whimpered slightly under her as JJ whispered softly "Shh, baby, it's okay" her soft gently voice calmed her somewhat as JJ nipped and sucked against her pulse point. Her fingers, working on removing her blouse.

Emily gripped he pillow above her head to restrain herself from moving to touch her. JJ carried on as she kissed along her collarbone, she spoke gently as she made her request "This needs to come off darling" JJ said with a slight smirk.

Emily nodded as JJ helped her strip out of her clothes "Jennifer" Emily said, it was a slight question, JJ looked at her for a moment "I need this baby" she said softly, Emily nodded as she laid back down.

JJ carried on again kissing her collarbone gently as her fingers ran over her breasts, her nails scrapping gently against her nipple, Emily moaned softly as JJ continued to kiss down her body, along her shoulder her tongue dragging along her arms causing goosebumps to rise on her skin.

She took each digit into her mouth sucking gently before releasing it with a soft pop before making her way back up her arm and repeating the same action along her other, Emily moaned deeply under her touch.

Kissing her way down she dragged her tongue through the canal between her breasts, before kissing and nipping her soft delicate skin as her fingers rolled her other nipple gently. Slowly she wrapped her lips around Emily's taut nipple as she gently suckled. As Emily moaned her name.

JJ nipped her nipple gently as she washed her tongue over it, moaning gently against her skin as she kissed her way to her other breast repeating the same action.

Moving her slightly running her tongue over her torso, she mused at her muscles, which rippled underneath her, dipping her tongue into her navel, Emily whimpered slightly as she gripped the pillow tightly.

JJ looked up at her for a moment smiling gently as their eyes locked with one another, seeing nothing but trust and love in her eyes JJ broke the contact as she moved down her body.

JJ gently moved her legs apart as she trailed kisses along her groin and down her inner thigh, causing Emily to nearly scream her name, "God baby" Emily rasped under her intense ministrations. A smile crossed her lips as she made her way down her legs, gently mapping each quiver each moan and gasp that came from her wife.

Carefully she made her way back to her centre as Emily squirmed slightly under her "Mmm, I love you Emily" JJ moaned into her core. Emily could not help but tense slightly as JJ settled herself in-between her legs.

JJ blew cool air over her core, before her tongue feathered over her folds teasingly, JJ moaned into her, as Emily moaned louder. Her body highly attuned and aroused as she felt a tongue run up the full length of her core.

JJ moaned as she breathed in the smell of her arousal gently coxing her clit from the hood as her tongue ghosted over it before gently taking it between her lips.

Emily gasped as she tensed slightly as she gripped the pillows tighter; Emily was flushed with arousal as she moaned loudly she was already close to her climax.

"Yes, Jennifer, yes" she almost chanted as JJ dipped her tongue into her core, before returning back to sucking and nipping on her clit, slowly and gently JJ ran her finger through her folds her mouth never breaking contact she eased two fingers in to her centre as she gently pushed her in to her climax.

She waited for the waves of her climax to settle as she removed her fingers. Emily moaned softly at the loss of contact.

As JJ started to trail kisses up towards her lips pulling her into a passionate kiss running her tongue along JJ's lower lip to be allowed entry which JJ was all too willing to give, gently she pulled away when the need for air became too much for them she smiled softly into swirling blue eyes. "Wow!" Emily murmured as they broke apart.

JJ curled up next to her, as her fingers ran across her stomach "thank you" she whispered "For what sweetheart" Emily said as she ran her fingers lovingly through her hair. JJ smiled as she leaned more into her as a single tear slipped from Emily eye, she nuzzled against her hair "I love you" Emily whispered as JJ remained silent.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Denial.**

In the denial stage, we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re-enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one.

'**I told them, and myself, that I was fine. Fine! Just fine. Can we please not talk about it anymore? **

**However, here is the thing I have discovered: I might have buried this story, but it was not dead. It was still alive, and it grew in that deep place I put it. Like a vine from some mutant seed, all twisted and ugly. **

**In addition, as it grew, it strangled a lot of other stuff in me that should have been growing. It killed my trust, my confidence. It almost killed my sense of who I was. Though I have overcome this once'**

"Jennifer I need you to tell me as much as you can and can remember about what happened to you 16years ago" JJ sighed but she had agreed to this so here is was in the room of one Dr Scott victim and rape counsellor

"I remember everything that happened that night" JJ said as she looked down at her hands; she had been coming here twice a week while Emily would wait in the waiting room for her, she had explained why she was here but now the Dr wanted her to speak it and with that she knew it meant reliving it.

"I use to hang around with the girls that I played soccer with" she frowned slightly "we went camping kind of our last adventure as a group" she paused slightly "She was also my girlfriend, her name was Carly" JJ said in a choked up sob.

"There were always rumours around town, you see ten years before a group of girls went missing, and they still, well they hadn't found them, but they have now" JJ rambled slightly

"We set our camp site up near the old farm house" she glanced up at Dr Scott as she tried to gather her thoughts.

"It was a good evening we joked laughed by the small camp fire we had set up" she swallowed hard as she tried to keep her emotions at bay "a few hours later we were approached by" she shook her head trying to not show her fear

"He was from the town over he spoke to us told us to be safe, and then he left or so we thought" JJ sighed

"We went to bed in our tents a few hours later, I was woken up by someone's hands around my neck" JJ wiped her eyes stopping the tears from falling "He restrained me tied my legs and hands so I was only able to kneel or lay down, before dragging me out side"

"He lined us all up outside the tent" she swallowed "the boys that were with us, got knocked out as me and Carly were placed in the back of his pickup.

"We were taken to what I can only describe as a barn, he tied" she let out a dry chuckle as she tried to keep her emotions at bay "well to what I can only say was a board but more like a circle as he was able to get to front and back"

"He whipped us both" she ducked her head down "if it wasn't the whip if was his fists, he told us how unclean we were, and how he was going to cure us" JJ half sobbed from the memory

"He, he" she swallowed hard as she closed her eyes. "he raped us both" she turned away in shame "I still don't understand why it happened or why after he in his words 'cured us', he dumped us both outside the hospital" JJ let out a have laugh "You know if he hadn't had done that he wouldn't have been caught"

JJ sighed "But now I know why and that he didn't act alone"

'**I hope this will explain my thousand-yard stare that I seem to have now, I hope it explains all those times I vanished into myself. Can you forgive me? **

**This time, though, I did not feel nervous or sick. I felt detached from my body, observing myself. I felt like I was watching a character in a cop thriller, a confident woman who knew what she was doing. Before, she was killed.**

**Fear protects us from threats. However, fear is such a powerful, primal response; it appears even when no dark cave is at hand.**

**I tried to bury my fear, but denying it did not make me fearless. I had to unearth it, and understand it, to change things. In here I am safe to say everything I could never say at home or work'**

* * *

The door to the room opened and JJ finally emerged as she walked over to Emily; Emily knew the routine, JJ would come out the doors not say a word, take her hand and lead her straight to the car, which Emily would allow. However, today was different.

JJ stopped as they reached the car, turning to face Emily as she looked into loving caring soulful eyes, she couldn't help the small smile "I love you so much Em" JJ whispered softly as Emily held sorrowful eyes in hers.

The life and light was slowly coming back into those swirling blue eyes, but Emily knew she had not just what happened at the beginning of the month but what happened those 16years ago. Emily had been, slightly taken aback when JJ had informed her that she never got help when she was raped. However, this time she asked for it, she wanted the help she needed it.

"Can we go and get the twins and go for a walk to the park Em?" JJ asked softly "Of course we can" JJ smiled softly "Can we feed the ducks" Emily couldn't help but chuckle "You can even feed the fish if you want" JJ rolled her eyes playfully as she slapped Emily's arm.

They made the short trip back to their home "Are you waiting here?" Emily asked as she went to get out the car. JJ glared at her slightly "I think I gave you the wrong idea Emily," JJ said with a pointed look "I meant we are walking to the park and leaving the car at home"

Emily rolled her eyes playfully as she replied, "Well my love you have to tell me these things so I do not assume" she stuck her tongue out as they both heading inside with JJ calling behind her "You are a brat Emily Prentiss" Emily laughed "And yet you still love me"

"Pretty sure of yourself there aren't you!" JJ teased "Pretty much yes" Emily said with a slight smirk. They got both babies settled in to the double buggy as Emily's eyes softened as they lingered on Andrew "He will be fine Emily and no matter what happens we will manage okay" JJ said as they both looked at him.

* * *

They made their way slowly around the park as Emily try to broach the subject with her wife "How did it go today sweetie?" JJ stopped mid-step with the buggy as she looked at Emily.

"Not great but not too bad" JJ paused for a moment "She does think I may not be in denial anymore though" she mused with a sad smile "Jen I so proud of you, you do know that right?" Emily said softly "You have said that a few times baby" she smirked as she looked down at Jane who was staring at her.

"Em, right now I am just so grateful, for you our children and that is all I can manage, it's like re-living it all over again," JJ admitted as she smiled at her daughter "Jen, is it helping any?" JJ looked into soft brown eyes as she spoke "It is, and looking at it I wish I had dealt with some of it back then" she let a half smile ghost her lips, before they carried on along the pond.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**ANGER **

**We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated, having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope.**

* * *

"WHAT WAS I THINKING?" Were the words resounding through JJ's head as she dug through the black hole, that was her rather large handbag or mini suitcase as the Emily called it! JJ knew that she would probably be more successful if she was calmer and took time to take out some of her belongings as opposed to just grabbing random things and trying to feel her way around the bag.

However, calm was one thing that she was not. She was upset, more upset than she remembered being in the recent past and in, and the deep recesses of her mind this knowledge troubled her. However, she pushed everything into the back of her mind and concentrated on the anger... She honestly needed to start cleaning her bag more often or maybe just reducing the size of the bag...

The growl that escaped JJ's throat was enough to inform her team that it was time to make a hasty retreat. While most of the time JJ was the calmest and sweetest person in the world when she was angry - she was ANGRY! Most of them had learnt the lesson the hard way in their early days of working with her and now knew not to push the petite blonde beyond her limits. "Ma?" Sarah said as she walked fully into the kitchen.

"WHAT!" JJ yelled Sarah looked at her before deciding out of the kitchen would be the safest bet for her right now. "Nothing Ma, I'll just go and" JJ sighed "Fine do what you want" JJ closed her eyes again as she searched through her bag. "Jen, what on earth are you looking for?" Emily asked softly, as JJ glared at her, "Like you would care" JJ scowled, Emily looked in shock for her part as she whispered "I've always cared" JJ head snapped around and before she even had registered what had happened, Emily was leaning against the door holding the side of her face.

"Oh, God, Emily" JJ said as she realized she had just thrown the book she was looking for straight at her, Emily looked at her for a moment not wanting to move or speak. JJ's eyes begged her "I'm so sorry baby" all Emily could do was shake her head and give a half smile.

"Emily please" Emily just looked at her sadly, "Jen if you can't talk to me, that's fine, but don't take it out on our children, despite everything Sarah wants to be there for you and so do I" Emily said honestly.

JJ looked at her sadly "Jennifer I know you don't mean to take your anger out on us. And believe me I know you are trying to cope. Just don't push your daughter away she loves you so much, we both do, you just need to allow us to help" Emily said with a soft smile as her cheek began to throb.

JJ walked over to her gently resting her hand on her cheek, Emily flinched slightly before leaning into her touch "I am so sorry Em, I didn't mean to" Emily placed a finger on her lip to still her as she spoke "I know you didn't, so please don't say sorry" Emily said turning her head to place a soft kiss on her hand.

"You know, if you want to get rid of your anger I have a great way, and it has always worked so well in the past" Emily said with a slight smirk "What?" JJ asked, "Kicking the crap out of Morgan always helps" Emily said with a wink "And I am more than sure he will be willing"

* * *

Morgan looked at Emily slightly sceptical "Why am I doing this and not you princess?" Morgan asked again, "Because with me she would hold back, with you she won't and you are the only person I know who can cope with it" Emily said softly. "You owe me," he said with a pointed look.

So they all were stood in the middle of the FBI gym, Morgan had started to warm up; even Morgan knew JJ could fight and hit like. Emily could, but he also knew she need this in some way and looking at his partners black eye he could only guess where it had come from, though Emily would never admit it.

Emily was silent as she watched them both. JJ knew what she was doing, He feinted left, made a quick strike at her side, then lunged, the move very reminiscent of a football tackle.

JJ suddenly was not there anymore, though. Just as he had reached the moment where he could no longer change his direction, JJ had sidestepped left, bringing up one knee. The breath was yanked from his chest, JJ pressed up and over, using the momentum of his charge to send him flying.

The impact was audible as he hit the mat on his stomach, leaving him stunned for just a second before he rolled and got back to his feet, looking at the other agent more warily this time.

JJ was too fast for him, though. More than once the blonde caught herself holding her breath, afraid that one of his blows really would land, but somehow, with an amazing economy of motion, she was just never, where Morgan expected her to be.

They swapped blows for blows as Emily closed her eyes to move out of the gym; in honesty, she was praying Morgan could get something out of her where she was not able.

"So" Morgan said as he punched JJ's shoulder "So?" she questioned as she moved slightly to the right "Going to tell me why we are here?" Morgan asked, as JJ's fist connected with his faces "No" she fired back as Morgan dodged her.

"Okay" he smirked slightly as his fist connected with her chest "How about now" he mused, "I am not Emily" she screamed as she punched him squarely on his jaw "Oh I know that" he said with a slight smirk.

"So how she get the black eye" he mused as JJ faltered slightly "I…" JJ looked away as Morgan pushed saying something he should not, "Do I need to make a report?" "NO!" JJ screamed, "So you didn't hit her?" he mused again.

"A book" she admitted weakly as Morgan managed to pin her to the ground "fall off a shelf?" JJ shook her head "You did it?" his heart broke when JJ nodded "Why" her eyes fell on him as she spoke "It's my fault all of it"

Morgan smiled "The book part yes" he raised his eyebrow "The other no, not your fault" he said softly, "You do on the other hand need an outlet Jay. Or if people keep seeing Prentiss black and blue some questions will be raised" Morgan warned softly "It was" JJ closed her eyes in shame "Hey listen to me, that woman would walk to hell and back for you, she never told me what happened but I could tell" he said softly. "And I know it isn't the first time JJ" he whispered softly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**BARGAINING & DEPRESSION**

**(Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious, with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality and pain of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want thing as they were before. You may only realize that this is happening to you when someone points it out to you. **

**Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with.**

**There can be the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be wandering around in a daze, thinking that you are feeling numb. You may be bursting helplessly into tears, seemingly for no reason. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, as if everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve, even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide.)**

* * *

Emily stood looking out the window over their back garden as the footfalls came behind her, she always knew the difference between Sarah's and JJ's as she spoke "You okay kiddo" Emily said softly as she stared outside "Mom, I am worried about Ma" Emily nodded "I know, and I am as well" Emily shook her head slightly.

"What can we do Mom it's been weeks" Emily chuckled slightly "Right now Sarah I am just hoping she doesn't leave us?" Emily said as her shoulder sunk slightly "Mom is it that bad?" Emily shrugged slightly. "I let her shout, scream anything she needs, I have given her the space she has asked for, I just don't know" Emily said as she carried on looking outside, lifting her hand to wipe the silent tears away.

"I don't know what else to do Sarah, I just wish I knew" Emily sighed "In all the time I have known her, I have never seen her like this, distant, angry." Emily said softly. "Where is she mom?" Emily turned slightly "I have no idea, she went out three hours ago, her phone is off" Sarah nodded "Mom you going to be okay?" Emily smiled softly "I will be no matter what happens" Emily said as she turned back to look outside.

"Mom I'll be back" Emily nodded "Where you going?" Emily asked "Just going to see Grandma, I have a ride waiting outside for me" she said softly "Say hi for me and be careful" Emily's said her voice slightly wavering "I will" Sarah said as she headed out to the car.

* * *

JJ had driven out of town, to the secluded park area; she sat there thinking to herself for a moment before deciding to go for a walk around the lake.

* * *

Sarah told the driver where she wanted to go. As they make their way through the town, in a hope JJ is where she thinks she might be, in a hope to be able to bring her home even if it was only partly.

Sarah told the driver not to wait as she spotted JJ's car. Grateful that she had been correct in where she would be, but now all she had to do was find her. Which considering the area was not as well travelled, as you would think it to be was not going to be that hard.

* * *

Sarah sighed as she remembered the day JJ had brought her here as she followed the same path they had taken.

In addition, there she was, sat on the same bench they both had when Sarah had told her and hers and her mom's past. Slowly she made her way over hoping she would not make her jump. Moreover, praying her Ma would not shoot first asks questions later.

Nevertheless, right now Sarah did not know what to do; she just hoped that once she opened her mouth the right words would come.

"Ma" Sarah said softly as she got closer. JJ ignored the voice as she continued to stare across the lake. "Ma" Sarah said again as she got closer.

Sarah stayed away from a little as she started talking. "I remember when you showed me this place" Sarah said softly "It was the first place I knew I could fully trust you and come to you about anything and know you would be there for me"

JJ did not comment or show any sign that she was listening to her as Sarah carried on. "This was the place I knew I would get to call you my mom, and that you wouldn't hurt me or my mother" JJ flinched slightly

"JJ, I know bad things have happened, trust me I fully understand" Sarah said with a slight sigh "But you can either run from everyone who loves you and wants to help or you can allow us in" her voice pleaded.

"JJ if I lose you I lose mom and I don't know what I would do without you both in my life," Sarah said as she back away slightly.

Sarah's use of her name caught her attention, Sarah had not called her JJ in months and that hit her heart hard.

"You have two children and a wife at home who is already thinking you are leaving her." Like her mother Sarah was able to guard herself when she needed to she could emotionally detach her-self from those she loved, so she did not get more hurt.

"When did you find it so hard to talk to her JJ?" Sarah pushed "When did I become JJ again to you Sarah?" JJ asked as her voice was laden with tears.

"You don't seem to answer any more when I say it" Sarah answered honestly "Talk to me, I know you may think I won't understand JJ but just give me a chance please" Sarah almost begged as JJ turned to look at her.

"I wish no one knew" JJ whispered, "I can understand that, Mom said the same thing to me before" JJ sighed, "She thinks you're going to leave" JJ's eyes went wide as she looked at her.

"Why. I've…" Sarah shook her head "You don't talk to her, you don't talk to anyone anymore other than that Dr" Sarah moved slightly closer

"I know what it is like to have something so bad happen to you that you wished you could turn the clock back and just start over wipe it out from the world and never look back at it again"

"If you push mom, she will give up because she would do anything for you and if that meant letting you go she would no matter if it killed her," Sarah said, as she looked straight at her.

"And then I would lose everyone I cared about!" JJ frowned slightly "I'm not pushing her away" JJ said weakly, "yes you are, look at you. Mom doesn't know where you are, you have asked her for space and she being mom has given it to you,"

Sarah paused "She got Morgan to allow you to kick the living crap out of him, just so you would snap at her again, YOU are going to lose her if you don't talk to her!" JJ looked at her lost for words

"I want my Ma home, I need my Ma back," Sarah said firmly "And I am not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on in your head Ma"

"I am not like mom I won't allow you to push me to the side-lines like you have everyone else" she paused "So we are both going to stay here until you tell me"

JJ let a dry chuckle leave her lips as she looked at Sarah. "You are like her Sarah" JJ pointed out "Stubborn and pig-headed, I know" Sarah said with a slight smirk "But I also know people and I know when they are drowning in pain and are so lost that they need help in finding their way back home"

JJ looked at her for a moment her eyes full of unshed tears "It just hurts Sarah," she finally admitted. Sarah nodded in understanding "I know Ma, but letting it build up like this isn't doing you any good," Sarah said softly as she moved closer

"I blame myself," she whispered, "That I can also understand" Sarah said with a slight smirk.

"Let me ask you something" Sarah said as JJ gave her, her full attention.

"Do you love her?" she asked, JJ was taken aback slightly by the question as she looked at her "Yes!"

"Do you trust her?" she asked again "Yes"

"Then why shut her out" Sarah asked, again taking JJ off guard "I didn't mean to" she said softly.

"Ma, we all have things we would rather forget, but would you like to hear what I think and you can tell me that I am wrong you can shout and scream at me when I have said it but I feel you need to hear it" Sarah said firmly as JJ nodded wrapping her arms around herself.

"If you hadn't of been raped your life would be different, you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be married and you wouldn't have children, you wouldn't work for the FBI, I even doubt you would be as caring and loving as you are" Sarah paused slightly

"The path that you had to take is hard, it hasn't been easy for anyone I have ever met, but this path leads you here. Now if you want to wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for yourself I can't stop you, but then I also have to ask to do you really love our family enough to see that it is your past and not your future"

"And if you was to turn the clock back I wouldn't be standing here with you now, your past does not define who you are or where you go in life, but it shapes you into the person you are and have become and Ma I wouldn't change that or you for the world"

JJ looked at her intensely as she spoke "You don't know that!" she whisper causing Sarah to laugh somewhat "And if my mom hadn't have gotten so drunk in a club I wouldn't be here, if mom hadn't of gotten raped she wouldn't of had them two adorable babies that are waiting at home for you. Tell me something JJ would you change any of that?"

JJ swallowed deeply as she thought about what Sarah had just said as she shook her head slightly "I wouldn't change you or our family for the world despite everything that has happened"

"Then why are you so hell bent on pushing us all so far away" JJ thought for a moment "You all deserve better" Sarah scoffed "And we don't have a say in this? Let me tell you something, in all my life I have never seen mom so happy, so unguarded and you did that not me not grandma, YOU! You're the one person she allows to see her and you're the one person she needs and you need her as well as much as you will both say I am wrong, you need each other"

"Tell me the one thing you want Ma" Sarah said softly as she looked at her "I want to go home" JJ admitted.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**ACCEPTANCE **

'**God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. - ****Serenity Prayer'**

**You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil, you have experienced, you can never return. To the carefree, untroubled 'YOU' that existed before this tragedy. However, you will find a way forward.**

* * *

Sarah and JJ made their way back home as they parked the car in the driveway "What if she doesn't want to hear it" JJ said her voice unsure, "Ma trust me she will and she does, she is scared that she has lost you" Sarah said softly as she opened the door, closing it gently behind them.

Emily was still stood at the window in her own thoughts, Sarah would have thought she had not have moved if it had not been for the fact that Jane was crying in her arms.

"Shh, sweetheart" Emily cooed softly as she rocked back and forth trying to comfort her daughter "You miss mamma don't you" Emily whispered as Sarah rested her hand on JJ's shoulder. "I miss her too princess" Emily said weakly not noticing the two of them behind her "What we going to do little one hey" Emily said softly as she placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

The slight noise made her jump "I'm so sorry" JJ whispered, she could hear the tears in Emily's throat and noticed as she tensed slightly. Emily controlled herself slightly not wanting her to see the tears. "Let me just go and" Sarah walked up to her "I've got her mom, you two just talk please" Sarah said as she took Jane off Emily walking out the room. Emily turned back to the window trying to shelter her heart and feelings more as she let out a slight sigh.

* * *

"Em" JJ started, to which Emily just nodded in response "Please Emily" she turn around slightly "Jen, I just" Emily closed her eyes slightly unsure if she could cope with any more pain. "I didn't mean to push you so far away and I never meant for you to think I didn't want to be here," JJ said softly as she walked over to her.

"There was a time Jennifer we could talk and you felt comfortable with me enough to share things, but now it's either you screaming at me or" Emily flinched slightly "I just don't know what to do to help you anymore, anything I do seems to make you run further away from me"

"I got so lost Emily," JJ said softly as she wrapped her arms around Emily's waist "I had noticed" Emily said a little colder than she meant to. "I was always there to help you Jen" Emily sighed "And help you through it, I didn't want to lose you," Emily said unable to control the tears that streamed down her face.

"You haven't lost me Emily" JJ whispered in her ear "I love you so much, I just didn't know what to do or how to say I was drowning"

"I couldn't understand why you still wanted me" Emily wrapped her finger around JJ's as she spoke "I always want you and I always want you to want me"

"I would give my soul for you Jennifer to save you from everything you are going through, but I need you to talk to me and stop shutting me out" Emily said softly

"I don't and I didn't mean to shut you out, I blamed myself Emily for everything I wished I could turn back the clock and make it all go away" JJ paused slightly

"Until a young lady pointed something out to me that made me see I wouldn't and couldn't change anything in the world, because I need you Emily so much, I want to come home" Emily frowned slightly

"This is always and always will be your home Jennifer, and this is your family," Emily said as her body shivered slightly

"I know that now, look at me baby" JJ said pleadingly, Emily turned round looking at her. JJ's heart broke as she saw how much pain was hidden in those chocolate brown eyes "Oh baby" JJ said as she cupped her cheek, "I am so sorry"

JJ's eyes were not as dull as they had been over the past few weeks, she could see the love in her eyes covered in pain "I love you so much Jennifer, don't you ever forget that" Emily said softly as she wrapped her arms around her pulling her into a hug.

"My sweet girl" Emily said softly as she ran her fingers down her back "don't ever doubt that this is your home darling" Emily said softly

"I love you too Emily so much" JJ nuzzled her face into the nook of Emily's neck as she spoke. "I just got so lost and scared, I couldn't stop myself I couldn't breathe without it hurting, and then I hurt you and I never ever wanted to hurt you like that I swear baby," JJ said as she began to sob into her neck.

Emily held her tighter making soothing noises deep in her throat as she placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "You helped me overcome everything Jennifer, you have helped me get over my guilt of what happened to Sarah, you have taken away the shame I felt with my own body after" Emily closed her eyes slightly "I just want to be there for you my sweet girl, I hate seeing you in so much pain and I just wish I could take it all away from you and heal you"

Sarah stood in the doorway as she watch her two mothers reconnect she could not help but smile. She caught Emily's eye and tried to duck back out the room but the soft voice stops her. "Sarah come here please," JJ whispered.

She walks into the room carefully her eyes never leaving her mother's as she walks over; she wonders how JJ knew she was there in the doorway watching them. Emily rubs her back gently as JJ turns around she smiles so softly at her as she speaks "Thank you for Sarah for everything" she says softly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**JJ's Point of view**

**It is amazing how much can change in eleven months… However, it has!**

So this was it, this was how things were to be. I guess I knew but there again I never saw this coming.

**First year…**

The day she came into my life… Elle had left after an… I am not sure you can say self-defence as she said it was… I never fully took to her and well after that, I was somewhat glad she had left…And trying to date her well that was the biggest mistake of my life…

We had come back from a case and their in my office was this brown-eyed beauty… I had spent the best part of the morning explaining how the BAU worked…

She sat there with her notebook… I found out later she had written nearly every word I had spoken!

I couldn't help the laugh when she asked if there was any coffee in the building since I hadn't even offered her one and it was now three hours later…

Garcia scared her half to death when she came bursting through my door… they both eyed each other up… though I am not fully sure but we all became close…

I would spend my nights at Garcia's talking about the **'mystery'** woman… to which Garcia told me to go for it many times because she was almost certain the unsaid woman was interested…

Two months later she let slip that, she knew it was Emily…

* * *

**Second Year…**

Things had been going good… aside from she had begun to haunt my every waking dream… I knew she was gay… so did Garcia… Morgan played dumb… acting as though he knew nothing at all…

However, we knew Emily had confided in him, they were partners and best friends…, to top it off they were close…, and they still are thank god…

* * *

**End of Second year…**

We had been on a bad case… Emily had been affected badly by it… we said we were going to watch a movie…though she would not grace us she needed to be alone…

I remember being so mad at her when she refused point blank to pick her phone up…

However, when Emily wanted to be alone that girl could fall completely off the grid…, which Garcia had found out more than once…

Then the Evening I found out she was missing god it was like someone had ripped my heart out... and twisting it for some sick enjoyment… she was a complete mess when we found her…I do not think I ever told the team she had flat lined twice… and my heart stopped beating praying they would bring her back to me…

Her mother shocked me as far as everyone knew they did not get alone…In a better sense, we thought they hated each other… but I can understand why we were lead to believe this…

The more people who thought they were estranged the less chance Emily could be used in some political game.

Then Sarah and me became closer….However, after finding out what had happened in their past I fully understood why she kept it from me…Then she told me she was pregnant… I had always known something else had happened in that basement... Though I also knew, Emily had to tell me in her own time…

However, that day she collapsed my heart stopped beating yet again… she nearly died giving birth…

Moreover, that was the day she lost the chance to bare any more children… However, she did not and never has seemed to mind…

Then she pulled away only then did I find out what kind of sick father she had… I still cannot understand how in the world Emily has managed to become the woman I see before me today…

However, it does also explain the guardedness of her and the unable to fully trust or let people in…

That though is something I love… At work, she is guarded and I cannot seem to see what she is thinking but the second that our front door or hotel door closes…The walls tumble down… However, it is normally me, which will cry in her arms…

Then yet again, she was kidnapped…. Moreover, she had seemed to me at that point she had given up on everything…That was also the day she showed me the letter, Richard had sent her… In addition, I will never allow anyone to upset my wife or children… Even if that means I end up in jail.

Then this happened, we were finally getting somewhere… Emily had near enough healed and I am not talking about anything you could see unless you knew the sparkle in her eyes, which I do…

* * *

Then we went on that blasted case…. The one that has ripped me apart from my very soul… The one that has now made me question if I will be able to do my job!

However, maybe in time I will be able to… Emily has made me promise I will take baby steps with it all and not push myself...

I cannot believe what I have done to her in these past weeks… Two black eyes… busted nose… and lip…I became something I never thought I would become aggressive... I know I have hurt her deeply because she now sometimes will flinch if I lose my temper even slightly… I see the flash of fear in her eyes and it breaks my heart!

Then we have our little champ… right now Emily is at the hospital with him as the doctors run some more tests… They have informed us he is not developing as well as he should be…Whole in his tiny heart, which he will need an operation on or it is looking that way, they also think he may have more medical problems….

Then there is Jane… She is such a sweet baby and doing really well, which we are, both grateful for… Though they have slight concerns about her but with that we will have to wait and see until she is older…

However, as we have said no matter what happens we will cope and deal with it…Then there is Sarah… She is so strong and just like Emily… She really is her double! I am so glad she put me in my place though the second she called me JJ it ripped at my heart…

The day she asked me if she could call me Ma… I swear I was high… She sees me just like Emily her mom something I will always be grateful for…I have changed so much but nothing has changed really… However, I am getting there one day at a time…

I will say I am glad Emily has gone back to work even though she has asked to stay back when they are called away which Hotch agrees with...Because if I am honest I do not think, I would be able to cope if she was not here at night…

I have started to talk to Garcia again letting her back in… I have missed her but it was me, who had pushed her away...She says she understands but I know deep down I have hurt her… I have hurt so many people in such a short space of time and yet they all tell me they understand…


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 **

**This was the place everything changed some for the better others for the worse. she just wasnt wure which it was anymore. Remembering painful times can eat at your soul...**

**Though sometimes it can heal the long forgotten wounds**

"Morgan, is Emily with you?" Morgan stared at the clock before answering "JJ it's 11pm, I haven't seen her since 6, why?" Morgan asked, "She hasn't come home"

"You two been fighting again?" Morgan asked in a hushed voice so he didn't disturbed Garcia "NO!" she said harshly down the phone "We are fine, aside from the fact I haven't seen her since she left this morning" Morgan closed his eyes as he could hear JJ sighing down the phone "She might have gone for a drink" Morgan said softly.

"Morgan she hasn't been out for a drink on her own in let's just say nearly 12 months" JJ commented, Morgan sighed softly "I have an idea where she will be and JJ try not to worry, I will ring you as soon as I have found her" he promised. "How do you know where to look? We all know she can disappear off the grid," JJ said sadly. "She really isn't that hard to profile," Morgan said softly as he rocked Garcia so she stirred slightly as he cut the phone off.

"You better have a good reason for waking me," Garcia grumbled, as she looked at him "I've got to go out, not sure how long I will be." Garcia looked at him "Is everything okay?" he smiled softly at her "Yes it will be once I get Emily back home," he said softly as he placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

* * *

Emily sat looking into her now empty whiskey glass as she signalled to the bar tender to refill her glass. "This is where it all started" Emily said softly "This is where so much changed not just for me but for us all"

Morgan stood behind her silent; she knew he was there without even looking as she continued to speak. "It had been a rough case for us all and I needed, just some space away for you all, I couldn't allow you to see me break" Morgan sat next to her asking for two more drinks as the bar tender whispered "She's been here for 5 hours" Morgan just nodded.

"I let my guard down for once in my life, I didn't care about anything, I had panicked the second she flirted back with me" Emily smiled sadly at the memory, then I was gone, then you found me, but in that time everything that I knew was destroyed it was gone, I was no longer sure of myself. I was broken"

Emily downed the whiskey in front of her signalling for another "Then she made all the pain go away, I didn't need to hide myself from her anymore, but it didn't last long. I was pregnant, I hated myself, I hated that she cared I didn't want to be here, but I was too much of a coward to end it all"

She sighed softly as she ran her finger around the rim of the glass, "She took everything in her stride, and she is so strong, you were right I should have told her sooner I should have let her see how much she meant to me. How much I loved her, but you was right when you called me a chicken"

Morgan placed his hand on her shoulder, "Then we got married, everything was going so well, I had the woman I loved in my arms and my life, then the twins came. I think that scared me more than anything in my life, they were so small it was too early for them to be in this world. I should have listened to Jen, when she told me to slow down" she wiped the tears from her face.

"But I couldn't slow down I was drowning and no one noticed, I had given up. Again!" Morgan's phone vibrated in his pocket. However, Emily did not notice as he replied to the text.

"I was brought back to the same feelings I had as a little girl, I was a disappointment, I know I shouldn't feel like I do but he is my father. However, to him I am his mistake and I know I am, I started to believe what he had said. I didn't deserve her, she could do better than this broke shell of a person"

"Then me and Reid went undercover to that stupid ranch, if I am honest I just wanted to be dead at that point, I never saw the point in carrying on. My father wanted nothing to do with me, I knew that already but it still hurt and for Jennifer to look at me with so much love it killed me. Then you came, got me. And knocked my head back on my shoulders. Which believe me I am so grateful for"

"This last case" Emily sighed as Morgan wrapped his arm around her, "I am not even sure I have her back yet. I try so hard to keep it together. Nevertheless, I needed your help because I could not take it anymore and after the third time. When that book hit me and that look of shame and fear in her eyes."

Morgan moved slightly "You didn't even need to ask did you when you saw me. You knew what had happened" Emily said as she downed another glass. "Even now though I can't help but flinch when she loses her temper, even if it just slightly. I know she knows I know she can see the fear in my eyes"

Emily's shoulders shuddered as she tried to keep herself together. "I thought I had lost her. No matter how bad it can get or has. I can't think of losing her, it would kill me, but if she needed me to let her go I would because I love her too much to stand in her way" Morgan rubbed her back gently though he remained silent.

"She is coming back to me slowly, I just miss her so badly Morgan, I never thought I could miss someone as much as I do right now. I can be strong for her. I can and I will be her rock. However, that vacant expression in her eyes. It is though someone has turned the lights off and I can't get her back" Emily finally broke down; she jumped slightly when a slender hand wrapped around her waist as Morgan moved slightly away.

She moved the glass away from Emily standing behind her pulling her close. Emily had tensed the second the arm came around her. Morgan leant over as he kissed her cheek and nodding at the woman behind her. Before he paid the tab and left the two of them alone.

"Let's get you home baby" JJ said softly from behind her just as Emily relaxed into her, she nodded she was emotionally exhausted. JJ ran her fingers softly through her hair as she cupped her cheek "I will always come home to you Emily. And I am so sorry for everything that I have put you through" JJ said as she guided her back to her car.

* * *

"I should have come to you instead of taking everything out on you, I should never have punished you for loving me," JJ said as she looked into her deep chocolate eyes that were full of love, compassion and understanding.


End file.
